Shadows at dusk

A lonely soul with a smiling face, she makes her way through the familiar ways and courtyards which at dusk seem to have gotten a melancholy personality of their own which she embraces, needing at this point of time just that. She appears completely absorbed, lost in a world of her own making, oblivious to the world around, unhearing of words that the music in her ears block out. She seems comfortable alone-not needing, not wanting anyone else. Her gait is non-purposeful, moving at its own pace and her eyes unseeing of anything but the dreams and moments that only they do.

They search the shadows for a like pair belonging to another soul as lonely as hers. Spilling your heart out to another person in the shadows has a fanciful ring attached to it that she with her romantic notions can’t get too much of. Just a little ahead she spots a familiar figure. Alas! Not one she is particularly excited about running into on a night like this. An irksome admirer, whose yearning glances she despite pretending to be blind to, hasn’t missed. She sidetracks him with a couple of niceties and lest he accompany her, hurries on.

Maybe…..just maybe she’ll encounter that person who has filled her thoughts for the past few weeks and that moment will break away the intriguing shell to reveal the person she is so keen to know. Maybe, just looking for a kindred spirit, any kindred spirit is her reason for walking alone and not thinking as she believes.

What she seeks now is comfort, the kind one gets from having someone with you to share just whatever uneasiness you have, that even a mere acquaintance becomes special to you because you’ve given a part of yourself to keep safe and that is what will join you together notwithstanding time and distance. This tie will bring a smile to your face when you think of that person.

She now finds herself nearing the corner she has claimed as her own- a quiet landing off the main street looking over the river. A place with a calming view and sound of water that helps her think and organize her thoughts. The words of the heroine in one of her favorite books come to mind- This is her Smultronställe. It means wild strawberry place in Swedish. Only it isn’t literally that. It is any place that is absolutely private and your own. A place like this is special, it’s the most special place there is. A place where life is….an epiphany. You can bring other people here. But never ever somebody you don’t love.

In her mind’s eye, she now sees an acquaintance strolling down the street. Spotting her lone figure, he slows down before casually standing before her, asking what she’s doing sitting by herself. And as she holds her breath, the moment she’s wanted emerges behind her eyes. And as she waits for it to unfold before her in life itself, she takes her notebook out of her bag, turns to a blank page and begins writing.

By Nirmitee Mehta

Emerging from dark chasms

“Do you know the last time I felt joy? Chuck had brought me into his darkness for so long, I've forgotten what that felt like”

“You may not be aware of it but it’s not all light and bright in here. There are some places devoid of even a hint of sparkle”

- Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl)

Her darkness came from the people around her. She left her old life and came here- came here for more. She came happy and happy she believed she would be for the time she was here.

She didn’t think it to be any fault of hers. Why the people around her had suddenly started behaving differently. All that she could think of was her having gotten close to a single person. For centuries, those a little separate from the others, those not a part of the herd have been viewed with suspicion.

She however did not do anything that would warrant such behavior. To all of them she was nothing but polite, cordial, warm, if a little distant, something that came from her lifelong insecurity when faced with a group of people. The rest of them started by inching away from them and then they were shunned from the group. She can’t remember exactly when the hate started. She’d never seen anything like it earlier. A sunshine protected soul always, never before had such behavior assailed her. The hate comments reverberating in the air all around her were hard enough to take. In the wake of this she drew the only person she was close to, closer still, making in haste and at a bad moment, a choice she would regret, not only by going into something she wasn’t ready for, but also making way for more hate coming her way along with a lot more isolation when that person suddenly removed himself from it all, leaving her— in a mess she’d gotten into primarily because of him- to face the heat by herself.

She maintains a brave front in front of the rabblement. She smiles more often now. People with no idea what’s going on think it means she’s completely happy there- the sound of her laugh echoes the valley. If they only caught her off guard at a moment of desperation when her mind and her eyes feel dead. She remains stoic, ignoring the verbal and literal trash being thrown her way, pretending to the world that it doesn’t affect her one bit, wondering all the time how long can this charade go on? When will the cruelty end? Nobody but she knows how deep the wounds of laughter at her expense and pleasure in her misery go. How much they affect a person’s psyche and how long the damage can last.

But she’s decided that she will not let any of that affect her. She’s got way too much sunshine inside her for that. She’s convinced herself that from now on, petty people like that will have absolutely no power over her emotions. She just has too much more in her life for some pathetic sociopaths to take away. Aside from the haters, she has so much to live for, so many dreams, so much love to give to those only willing to take. She does not need them- does not need their opinion or approval on how she conducts herself and her choices in leading her life.

All they are is jealous of her. All they want to do is reduce her sparkle and steal her smile away because they can’t handle it. They “pluck her feathers before she can fly” because they envy her charisma and cannot bear to see someone have it all. They underestimate her and fail to comprehend that her spirit is uncrushable. She does not and will not break easily. She channels her memories of laughter here. She has people who know who she is and who she’s always been to cheer her on. Support from unexpected sources and from people in the very same place as her gives her the will to remain as she is and not buckle over. She takes a vindictive pleasure in the haters’ efforts to be as good as her and failing miserably. Other than that bit of contempt that she allows herself feel, she will not pay attention to any of their trash because that is how inconsequential they are in her life.

Times like this are just steep rocky slopes on her way to her pinnacle where the shine she gives off, will draw the world in. She will get through this because she can- I believe with all my heart and soul that she can and for merely having the strength for it, I am so so proud of you!

Maybe if we just don't talk about them, it'll just go away

By Nirmitee Mehta

Living up to ourselves

Years ago, on a bright, sunny day, I remember the six year old version solemnly promising to herself as she sat  on the swing, pondering on the greater things in life,that she would ‘never ever’ in her life,stoop to using ‘bad words’ like ‘mad’, ‘stupid’ and ‘idiot’.Despite her efforts, she did eventually break that promise and used those very words as well as ones far worse. Now to me, they’re just words like so many others I use on a normal basis. Even so, every now and then, I get a little uncomfortable wondering what the young me would think of me when I do so and whether I’m disappointing her.

I shudder at the thought of putting on black nail polish because just about 3 years ago I found it grotesque and ugly. I told every person who listened that I’d never be seen with it on. Wearing it now would be betraying my younger self, wouldn’t it?

Every once in a while[or more often than that] I do a lot of stupid stuff and say things that are a wee bit dumb. I make mistakes every day of my life. After that I laugh at myself about it. Right now I’ve given my future self complete license to be as stupid as possible and later laugh long and hard about it.I can't stop wondering though, what about the younger me?Wouldn’t she feel rather indignant about being laughed at, even if its by herself? As far as she is concerned, I’m a foreign person-someone she doesn't know at all because she has obviously changed a lot growing up, and she could not have foreseen that coming since time and experiences change all of us and we can do nothing to control it. We all change a little every day of our lives.Some words,thoughts and emotions which are so important and epiphanic at the time of their becoming, irretrievably slip out of your mind like a wispy breeze when you and your state of mind changes.

Can we ever be sure of doing the right things at the right time so as not to regret them later?Can I ever know if I’m betraying my younger self or would she be okay with me talking freely about her? Or would she resent me for it? How will I ever know? All I can do is hope she is as cool as I remember her to be xD

For the most part,on the inside-in my mind, heart and soul I think I've grown up to be someone I would have wanted to become and liked. Why, for all you know, if i somehow could meet my younger self, I could have  a girl crush on me now ;)

By Nirmitee Mehta

Take me to Vienna

8811 kms.

          If I drive without stopping even once, Google maps assures me that I will reach Vienna in 4 days and 20 hours. This is one trip I’d go on in a heartbeat because Vienna is the city that holds the key to my heart.

          I started thinking of Vienna as more than just another of the many cities that populate the world when I started reading Eva Ibbotson. My love for her writing translated into a bigger love for a city I’d never seen, such was the power of her words and love for the city. Back when I first read about it, visiting Vienna was just a far away dream, out of reach for me, maybe because it isn’t on the “must see” lists of most people, it just made a place for itself on my bucket list.

          Then about 2 years ago when I decided to go on exchange and looked at a list of all the places we’d be visiting on the Eurotour, my dream of visiting this Hapsburg capital, this city of love and music did not seem as far fetched and without it, I began counting the days till I’d be there.

          Was it the rushing back of the knowledge of places I’d read about as memories from a distant life? Or was it the pure joy of actually realizing a wish or dream come true? Or was it our wonderful tour guide whose narrations about the places we saw bringing them back to life? I don’t know what it was but any of them or all of them combined to present before me a golden day, the kind of whose memories when thought back on later in life make you sigh contentedly.

          Looking up at the statue of Maria Theresa, the empress “who made Austria great”, on either side of which the Museum of Art History and Museum of Natural history respectively are situated, I could almost see Ruth from “A Morning Gift” visiting both of them throughout her childhood and returning to the Museum of Natural History when years later to seek asylum from the Nazis. I saw her again when we were shown a typical Viennese house built around a courtyard with a tree in the centre just as hers was and imagined it having been hers.

          I saw Ellen from “A Song for Summer” when we went to Demel’s famous Kaffeehaus where she’d enjoyed Vienna’s best coffee and éclairs. I saw her going to watch a Rosenkavalier gala at the State Opera or the Staatsoper when I was at the same place, going to watch La Boheme.

          Nearby I imagined Tessa from “Magic Flutes” at the Klostern theatre working for the International Opera Company without pay simply because she wanted to serve music.

          My Vienna special moments were mostly an amalgamation of what I remembered from the lives of Ruth, Ellen and Tessa. Maybe that’s because knowing them, having reading them over 15 times each I’ve started carrying parts of them inside me and in this incredible city I became a part of them as they of me and learnt what they knew all their lives living there. Maybe now it’s hard to tell where their memories end and where mine start.

          The one special discovery that I have a claim over in this city is of a little side street called Blutgasse or Blood alley which I immediately stored away for melodramatic moments in future stories.

          Even after all this there is still so much that I have to go back to this city to see and to do- see the Spanish Riding school with the Lippizaner horses, sit on the Prater Giant wheel in the Prater park, take a walk along the Danube, catch a glimpse of the river Wien after which the city is named.

So Vienna my love, take me to Vienna

-Nirmitee Mehta

Because They Always Make Me Smile!

Have you ever wondered what you want to be remembered for?
Your work or your life?
You want to go down in history or just be remembered, remembered by those who knew you?
I think I just want to be remembered, just have someone who loved me enough to remember me, to do so, sometimes, fondly, like maybe they'd want me around still, that would be my mark on the world, my friends.
Maybe that’s all there is to life, the people you meet and the things you do. What do you think?
I’ve come to a point in life, where life is so transient, so changeable. Schools over and I can see my friends slipping away and I know that most of them won’t be a part of my life soon, it’s so weird but I’ve come to accept it with resignation...these were people whom my life revolved around for about two years, and soon they won’t even be a part of it but all that’s left is resignation?  Some will of course continue to be a big part of our lives but those are just the treasured ones, the special ones, what about the rest?  Some part of me is waiting for this change so I can know who really matters but a big part is grieving the loss of so many people.  It’s just strange; sometimes I feel if we fight this, don't let life take over and really honestly treasure every person in our lives not just best friends and close friends...but every person who’s ever been there for us, life would be so much easier, so much more worth living. Every person I leave behind takes a part of me with them, what if we reach a point where there's nothing left?  We are running too fast, doing too much at the same time, leaving behind too many people, cant we just slow down?
Every person in my life has a memory attached to them, something special that makes that person mine, they all bring softness to my heart, they are like laughter etched on my face forever, everyone is like a little more life, a little more happiness a little more sadness, a little more of me.
 They say loving someone is giving them the right to hurt you and trusting them not to, somehow I’ve always believed only the first part, because I honestly believe a part of life is pain so they are going to hurt as at some point, but I would love to forgive them, to honestly just accept that no one’s perfect, it’s worth it because they give us so much more! They give us a little more happiness and for that anything is worth forgiving, but then my ego comes in the way; there is this never ending battle that ego and self respect have with friendship. Friendship demands we forgive and forget everything a friend does, as long as they are still friends, still the person you loved, we must accept their faults but self respect demands that we don't give anyone a chance to hurt us again. Commercial principle though isn’t it? You love me as much as I love you or forget about it. It is maybe, a little stupid to keep someone in your life when all they do is hurt you, but it’s just difficult to let go. They all become so special! Actually, I have a theory attached to the word special, anything you say is special, just becomes special (however ordinary it really is!) and you have that tingly feeling in your stomach saying, something just fell into place. So how are we supposed to let go of something so special, with a smile?
Honestly I'm a little confused, but I hope I'll figure it out soon but I feel so out of time, everyone is moving on, and everyone’s moving away! Sometimes I very honestly wonder why we met if it had to end. Why can’t we just meet those people who are our destiny, meant to be in our lives forever? Does loosing have to be a part of life? I guess we just need to focus on now; this fear of what’s to come will just make us loose what we needn't loose. Make us loose our destiny, because honestly how can anyone but true friends be your destiny, how can anyone but them make you smile that way? And they always make me smile ♥

                                                                                           By Radha Agarwal

More goodbyes than most

All of us feel some regret as the year ends but maybe for me and exchange students all over, saying goodbye to the past year was harder than for others. When a single year means more to you because of the rich experiences you’ve had it makes it that much harder for you to see it end.

As the year 2010 drew to a close a wave of nostalgia and sadness washed over me. Going to a foreign country for a year as I did to Germany in august 2009,I knew that I'd have some unforgettable experiences. I however did not expect to get as attached as I did to so many people coming from so many different lands on the planet. I also did not know how hard it would be to say goodbye when the time came. Harder after it all ended to the year that had passed. It wasn't hard at the time I said bye to some not knowing it would be the last time I'd see them. It wasn't hard when I said goodbye to some months before leaving even when I knew I wouldn't see them again because it didn't seem that real then. Also it was not as hard as I'd expected to say bye to people I saw every day in school. The hard part came later with the realization that I did not know when, if ever, I'd ever see them again. When the January to December exchange students (ones from the southern hemisphere who come for a different period) started leaving last month,5 months after I came back home, it severed my last link to exchange year going on in Germany.
The hardest part was changing things in my mind, weird though it may sound. In 2010 I could still refer to everything that happened during exchange even things that took place in 2009 as this year. Now however it will all have to be referred to as last year like a door of experiences and memories that won't ever be open again; that I’ll be able to walk into only in my mind.
Then again, maybe the goodbyes won't be permanent, maybe I will meet them again and the euro tour reunion we've been planning will take off in the near future. And so with promises of new experiences and memories that will keep everything interesting, life goes on :)

By Nirmitee Mehta