You're alone

You’re going to be alone forever. There is nobody in the world – hear me out- nobody who will be able to understand you completely,nobody who will see eye to eye with you on all matters.

We all have that one favourite book,song,movie,painting. Something that strikes a chord within us. Since I’m a book person,I’ll relate it to books. Think of your favourite book. You know those special lines, the one which make your heart feel complete,the ones you relate to so well that you want to show someone. You get that nagging in your head. Somebody NEEDS to know how you feel and how well its been put across here!

Nobody will understand. Even if you do manage to get someone to read it, all you’re going to get in return is a blank look or a quizzical look asking “so?” or at best a hollow “wow that’s nice”

You’ll want to scream at them, cry out “why hasn’t this impacted you profoundly? Why such an underreaction? This what I’ve just shown you holds one of the keys to my existence. It deserves more from you.”

But you can’t make them feel something they just….don’t.

You’re alone.

Nobody is going to know all about you- every little lane of life you’ve walked through,every thought or feeling you have about people, why certain things make you react a certain way, why you find some people so hard to trust. Nobody is going to know the inside workings of your mind-why you obsess over a drink just because it reminds you of a certain boy, what every reference or personal joke means actually, why you want to appear a certain way in front of some people, what demons have pursued you all your life, why are you pushing everyone away, why do you suddenly need to get away from everything?

You’re alone

There will never be one person who’ll walk in with the solution. Even if it feels like there is, you’ll discover soon enough that you’ve been kidding yourself. Nobody will have a mind that mirrors yours. Nobody will come in magically as the “soulmate” we all aspire to find. Someone perfectly like that does not exist. You have GOT to stop believing in the fairytale that you’re going to find somebody with the answers to every question you have,the same excited smile and spark in eyes you have when something touches you, the urge to navigate the inner reaches of your mind and stay despite everything they find. To quote Mean Girls “Stop trying to make it happen. Its not going to happen”

You’re alone.

The faster you accept it and make peace with it, the easier it will be to cope. It will stop you from dying a little every time you’re misunderstood. Trust me, you’ll have saved yourself a lot of disappointment.

Peace

By Nirmitee Mehta

Shadows at dusk

A lonely soul with a smiling face, she makes her way through the familiar ways and courtyards which at dusk seem to have gotten a melancholy personality of their own which she embraces, needing at this point of time just that. She appears completely absorbed, lost in a world of her own making, oblivious to the world around, unhearing of words that the music in her ears block out. She seems comfortable alone-not needing, not wanting anyone else. Her gait is non-purposeful, moving at its own pace and her eyes unseeing of anything but the dreams and moments that only they do.

They search the shadows for a like pair belonging to another soul as lonely as hers. Spilling your heart out to another person in the shadows has a fanciful ring attached to it that she with her romantic notions can’t get too much of. Just a little ahead she spots a familiar figure. Alas! Not one she is particularly excited about running into on a night like this. An irksome admirer, whose yearning glances she despite pretending to be blind to, hasn’t missed. She sidetracks him with a couple of niceties and lest he accompany her, hurries on.

Maybe…..just maybe she’ll encounter that person who has filled her thoughts for the past few weeks and that moment will break away the intriguing shell to reveal the person she is so keen to know. Maybe, just looking for a kindred spirit, any kindred spirit is her reason for walking alone and not thinking as she believes.

What she seeks now is comfort, the kind one gets from having someone with you to share just whatever uneasiness you have, that even a mere acquaintance becomes special to you because you’ve given a part of yourself to keep safe and that is what will join you together notwithstanding time and distance. This tie will bring a smile to your face when you think of that person.

She now finds herself nearing the corner she has claimed as her own- a quiet landing off the main street looking over the river. A place with a calming view and sound of water that helps her think and organize her thoughts. The words of the heroine in one of her favorite books come to mind- This is her Smultronställe. It means wild strawberry place in Swedish. Only it isn’t literally that. It is any place that is absolutely private and your own. A place like this is special, it’s the most special place there is. A place where life is….an epiphany. You can bring other people here. But never ever somebody you don’t love.

In her mind’s eye, she now sees an acquaintance strolling down the street. Spotting her lone figure, he slows down before casually standing before her, asking what she’s doing sitting by herself. And as she holds her breath, the moment she’s wanted emerges behind her eyes. And as she waits for it to unfold before her in life itself, she takes her notebook out of her bag, turns to a blank page and begins writing.

By Nirmitee Mehta

Because They Always Make Me Smile!

Have you ever wondered what you want to be remembered for?
Your work or your life?
You want to go down in history or just be remembered, remembered by those who knew you?
I think I just want to be remembered, just have someone who loved me enough to remember me, to do so, sometimes, fondly, like maybe they'd want me around still, that would be my mark on the world, my friends.
Maybe that’s all there is to life, the people you meet and the things you do. What do you think?
I’ve come to a point in life, where life is so transient, so changeable. Schools over and I can see my friends slipping away and I know that most of them won’t be a part of my life soon, it’s so weird but I’ve come to accept it with resignation...these were people whom my life revolved around for about two years, and soon they won’t even be a part of it but all that’s left is resignation?  Some will of course continue to be a big part of our lives but those are just the treasured ones, the special ones, what about the rest?  Some part of me is waiting for this change so I can know who really matters but a big part is grieving the loss of so many people.  It’s just strange; sometimes I feel if we fight this, don't let life take over and really honestly treasure every person in our lives not just best friends and close friends...but every person who’s ever been there for us, life would be so much easier, so much more worth living. Every person I leave behind takes a part of me with them, what if we reach a point where there's nothing left?  We are running too fast, doing too much at the same time, leaving behind too many people, cant we just slow down?
Every person in my life has a memory attached to them, something special that makes that person mine, they all bring softness to my heart, they are like laughter etched on my face forever, everyone is like a little more life, a little more happiness a little more sadness, a little more of me.
 They say loving someone is giving them the right to hurt you and trusting them not to, somehow I’ve always believed only the first part, because I honestly believe a part of life is pain so they are going to hurt as at some point, but I would love to forgive them, to honestly just accept that no one’s perfect, it’s worth it because they give us so much more! They give us a little more happiness and for that anything is worth forgiving, but then my ego comes in the way; there is this never ending battle that ego and self respect have with friendship. Friendship demands we forgive and forget everything a friend does, as long as they are still friends, still the person you loved, we must accept their faults but self respect demands that we don't give anyone a chance to hurt us again. Commercial principle though isn’t it? You love me as much as I love you or forget about it. It is maybe, a little stupid to keep someone in your life when all they do is hurt you, but it’s just difficult to let go. They all become so special! Actually, I have a theory attached to the word special, anything you say is special, just becomes special (however ordinary it really is!) and you have that tingly feeling in your stomach saying, something just fell into place. So how are we supposed to let go of something so special, with a smile?
Honestly I'm a little confused, but I hope I'll figure it out soon but I feel so out of time, everyone is moving on, and everyone’s moving away! Sometimes I very honestly wonder why we met if it had to end. Why can’t we just meet those people who are our destiny, meant to be in our lives forever? Does loosing have to be a part of life? I guess we just need to focus on now; this fear of what’s to come will just make us loose what we needn't loose. Make us loose our destiny, because honestly how can anyone but true friends be your destiny, how can anyone but them make you smile that way? And they always make me smile ♥

                                                                                           By Radha Agarwal

Accidental Friendship

Sruthy John. My 2 am friend you couldn’t be, what with us discovering our friendship only when you were 5000 miles and 4 time zones away. In school, you were the one kid I truly admired, albeit secretly. Oozing with confidence (having a 5’6” frame did give you an advantage over the other puny 6^th graders!), that maverick spirit of yours was like no other I’d seen. Heck, you were twelve and already seemed to know enough about history, literature, classic movies and vintage cars than people twice your age! You introduced me to Juanes and the Sadie Hawkins dance and Susan Coolidge. Like Katy, I saw in you the same unbridled spirit, waiting to escape, over the hills and yonder. I used to marvel at the ease with which you questioned facts, challenged conventional ways of thinking and brought new dimensions to the class discussion. We had a book club of sorts, you and me, its sole members. Reading and sharing stories of fictional characters was how we connected at that time; I astill cherish the “grown-up” conversations we used to have about Ruskin Bond and Roald Dahl’s literary style and prowess. Other than that we kept to ourselves, never suspecting that just a few years down the line we would still be sharing stories, only this time, of a different kind.

The end of the prologue came with the announcement of your moving to Australia. Australia! The continent that had captivated my senses ever since we’d studied it extensively in Geography two years before. It was the land with the strikingly beautiful Great Barrier Reef, the (seemingly) cute Koala bears and the fantastic tales of gold-diggers and convicts and you, oh Sruthy, were going to live there! My envy knew no bounds. The last day of school, you handed out (the now embarrassing) “autograph” book and I wrote you a small note wishing you love and luck, and almost as an afterthought, included my email ID. “It’s a pity you didn’t come home; we have a street lined with coconut trees, leading up to the house, which you would have liked.” you told me. And then you were gone, beyond the hills, to make new adventures. You became a fictional character for me in an exotic land; your emails- the chapters of a book I couldn’t put down. We wrote of big events in our lives, of friends, parties and summer camps and those ordinary, no big-deal moments that are so special too. Exchanging thoughts and dreams, hopes and fears, on life and love, we sealed the bond of a friendship that may have not happened at all, but just, thankfully, did.

It was in Ammichi and Appachin- your grandparent’s- home in Quilon, Kerala that acquainted me with the motherly side of you. You took me by hand and showed me around the quaint house, in which not only you but also your father had had many a happy memories. There was something in the lingering smell of the old wood that permeated every nook and the fragrance of the jasmine and orchids that Ammichi grew in the garden, which evoked memories that I couldn’t quite place; a familiar aroma here, a wistful touch there. I was about to fall asleep till you incidentally began speaking of albinos after the lights were out. And then I needed a glass of water and begged you accompany me to the kitchen. Never had I seen you so shocked! Sixteen years old I was and still afraid of the dark, of what I'd find, or wouldn't, if I rummaged through its shadows. After politely asking me to grow up, you pretended to be asleep. But after my persistent whining, took me firmly by the hand and led me to the kitchen, talking to me about the latest George Clooney movie and chocolate doughnuts till I forgot my fear. Below that sturdy exterior, was a heart full of kindness and I smiled, knowing that you were definitely a keeper. Over my first typical Malayali breakfast of putta and palam (steamed coconut rice cakes with mashed bananas), Appachin regaled us with stories of his days as a sailor, on adventures of a lifetime, out in the open sea. So this is where you’d acquired your free spirited and unafraid nature! And from you I imbibed a strong sense of independent thinking, a passion to delve into causes I believed in and the courage to see them through. You stimulated me by pushing boundaries of our conversations to new levels till I struggled to keep up and began questioning my own comfortable beliefs, finally learning to be undaunted in the face of the uncertain.

“What’s this?” you ask me, as I request the rickshaw driver to take the road that leads us away from our destination. “A good way to start the day”, I answer vaguely. You are surprised but I keep mum till we’re almost there. “Hey, this street looks familiar”, you say and I laugh. We’d reached an end to one phase of our lives and were now embarking on another. Like Appachin’s journey into the boundless sea, we too were at the threshold of new beginnings and unknown destinations. Yet I knew our story would remain incomplete till I’d walked with you down the road lined with coconut trees, leading up to your home. Smilingly, I took your hand and we began walking.

Forever beautiful - Sruthy (Kerela, 2009)

                                                                                                                                    - Apoorva Sahay